A Letter to Vancouver

Dear City of Vancouver:

We hear you’re hosting the 2010 Winter Olympics. That’s pretty ambitious of you, considering you’re somewhat of a shithole. Admittedly, we just left the cleanest city we’ve ever visited, so it’s only natural that you pale in comparison. So instead of just judging you, we thought we’d make a few suggestions to help you prepare for the thousands of people coming to enjoy what your city has to offer.

1. Put the homeless people to work. Sure, the 2008 Beijing organizers got some flack for putting their throngs of homeless to work beautifying their city, but you have to admit that it’s brilliant. During the 3-4 mile walk we took through your city, we saw more homeless people than normal folks, so there are plenty of idle hands to put to work. While you’ve got the homeless gathered for instruction, you might want to go over the basics of using a bathroom. This will cut down on the urine smell that lingers in the salty air.
2. The swarms of flies. Where are we, Calcutta?
3. Bring in more Russian girls. The natives are not the best looking people, and all the hot chicks we saw spoke Russian.
4. Put a little thought into city improvements. Is the best time to rip up the major road through town at the beginning of summer vacations?

On the positive side, you do offer a wider selection of Cadbury chocolates, so at least you’ve got that going for you. And there does seem to be a small area close to our hotel that offers something for the senses that doesn’t make me want to cover myself in a hazmat suit. Another plus.

Overall, I’d say you have potential, but you’ve let yourself go. It happens. Take a good look in the mirror, and then pull yourself together. The winter snow can only cover so much.

Sincerely,

Not Your Biggest Fans

PS. We wanted to submit pictures for evidence, but our camera is pretty bling-bling, and we were too afraid to take it out of the bag.